The Possible Self ‘Self-esteem knows Kindness’


Here she comes, red, orange and golden light….what more do we need to be inspired, stimulated and motivated to take part in this chapter of our lives……which act of your story will you preform today?

And it’s my tenth day without coffee.  Today, I did think about putting the pot on, and then the thought left as quickly as it came.  I would like to have a pain au chocolate…. But, I know I like the idea, and not the after effects….so why bother….it’s the same with the coffee, my behaviour and thought process is changing.  The only person I would be disappointing is ME.  I am being very kind to my old self by allowing the thought to be articulated in my mind.  I am not ignoring it.  I am not standing over myself with a hatchet to stop me from having it.  I am practising a lot of self-kindness, and I am aware of and understand all the pitfalls.  If I have to get rid of the coffee apparel, then I am not really succeeding.  Seeing it there, smelling it and not making it, means I am really relaxed about my new relationship with coffee.  A very kind friend did send me a small box of exquisite dark chocolate coffee delights yesterday as an alternative.  It was tempting.  I have the same intolerance to anything coffee.  I abstained.  This morning I had a friend in for what she called a ‘quick coffee,’ and I made it with a great sense of kindness towards my old self, chatting in my mind as I did, about the pluses and the minuses. I watched as my friend delighted in her coffee and her chocolates.  I am playing no mind games with myself.   I will do all it takes to be even kinder to myself in not drinking coffee.  I don’t know if it’s forever, but I do know it’s a day by day process.  Life is a process, it’s how we are doing ‘now’ in this moment, not what has passed nor what is to come – just the now.  The past informs it and the future has a plan, but it’s in the space between the two that we live our lives.  How is your ‘now’?  Are you being kind to yourself as you implement and achieve your plans and decisions?

TPS programs, promote the positive aspects of the possible self, as I wrote in my first blog.  The Possible Self always has solutions on what to do if we listen, evaluate and choose to act or not on any given topic of our lives.
How we are in ourselves matters.
Who we are being matters.

Our self-esteem and self-worth is fuelled
by the way we treat others
and how we treat ourselves
and how we are treated by others.
Our feelings matter.

Imagine that your self-worth is measured in 100% white light energy.
Let’s call it Self-Worth Energy, SWE, for this blog.
When it’s glowing at 100% energy you are feeling on top of your world.  You could be tired etc. but you glow 100% SWE.  You radiate positive energy in every direction and no matter what you do, say, or feel, it’s a positive experience for everyone.
Life and what we experience in life raises or lowers that energy level.  Life experiences, good, not so good, bad, not so bad, all affect our SWE and how we feel and react to others and ourselves.

Imagine you have just come home from work, you had a great day but you are really tired.  Your SWE is about 80%.  You are in a bit of a grumpy mood so it has lowered your SWE.  There is a letter waiting for you from a really good friend, at least you thought they were a really good friend.  From beginning to end, s/he talks only of his/her life and their happenings, and has not one sentence to ask how you are, or what’s happening in your life, nothing !
Then you reflect on the relationship and realize that they always do this, your relationship is one sided, it’s about their feelings, you accommodate the ego of the other person in the relationship: they take, and you go on giving.

So now you are feeling anger with a touch of sadness, and your pride takes a bit of a beating too.  Your feeling of self-worth is affected because you let this relationship develop to where it is now, and on reflection you realise that it has always been like this.   Your SWE is now down at 60%.  So, you have two choices; write while you are angry to him/her and say the relationship is not working for you,  or wait ‘til morning and articulate how the letter affected your feelings and brought down your SWE by 20% from where it was before you read the letter.

Because you were angry, you acted on impulse and wrote that the relationship was not working for you.  Your SWE is now 45%.  You get great short term satisfaction from your response, but in the long term you don’t honour who you really are.  That mail should have gone into the draft folder ‘til morning when you were less tired and angry.  You would have been kinder to yourself to do that.

Next morning you could read it, and then write the email, and let your feelings be known.  That would be an act of kindness towards the relationship.  Your SWE would have risen dramatically by naming your feelings and also by waiting to make your feelings known. Last night you did not need the upset or the drama.  If you truly knew self-kindness having read the letter, you would have gone to bed with your SWE at least at 70%.  The friend who wrote the letter had not practiced any kindness either in writing the letter.  So unless we communicate with kindness how we are feeling, we clog up our own process of communication and theirs.
Kindness does not mean you have to agree: maybe the relationship is over, but at least have the conversation, so neither person need have their SWE lowered by a lack of kindness.

I write about this event as I too have been unkind in my deeds and actions in the past without being aware of it, at the time: now I am truly aware of how I increase and decrease my SWE.

All relationships are a process, ships relating to themselves and to each other on the same high sea.  Everything in life is a process.  There is always room for communication that is steeped in self kindness and kindness towards each other and our planet.  One breath after the other, one word after the other, one deed after the other, one action after the other, one behaviour after the other…….all a process of being.  The stuff of our lives affects our SWE which is changing in every moment through the experience of our life.  Our thoughts, words and deeds towards ourselves, towards others, other people’s thoughts, words and deeds towards us and outward into this great big vibrating universe we live on.  The process of how we live our lives matters!  What happened in the past and is unresolved, what is happening in the present and is not communicated.  It all affects your and my SWE.

‘Kindness is Society’ the Dalai Lama has said.   When we are truly kind to ourselves and practice it in our reactions to our memories, thoughts, words, dreams, deeds and actions our SWE will radiate and affect those who don’t have it and be in dialogue with those who do. Kindness in knowing that our SWE is effected by the process by which we experience our thoughts, words and deeds.

An interesting pondering, article on our attitude to kindness:

Have a wonderful weekend.  I think ‘Love’ is our topic for next week.
Don’t forget to wear your BIG SMILE!

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