Anger and You


The sun-rise never fails to excite, inspire, motivate, stimulate our minds; to be still, to imagine, to smile, to move, to energize, to be peaceful, to exercise, to think, to become aware, to soothe, to sing, to play, to illuminate, to wonder, to ponder.  To just be in the moment!

Day 38 and I have had no coffee.  There is no part of me angry because I have made this decision.  My monkey mind has stopped protesting.  I am rewiring a new pathway in my brain and so long as I stay on it; the old pathway will die away.  As easy as that!

The last day of the anger blog:

Anger can reach incredible intensities of energy.  Just like love, hate, fear, kindness etc.  I think anger sometimes comes from a sense of frustration of having your hands tied and you can’t grab hold of your life to direct it in the direction you know instinctively you want to go in.  It’s times when everyone and everything else going on in your life is leading you down a path you no longer want to follow.  It’s times when you have had no direction, when you are in debt, when you are financially secure but angry that you can’t find peace and joy in yourself, when you are adrift, when you are ill, when you have lost your job, when you have lost a loved one, when there is a break-down in communication with friends or family members, when you are silenced, when you are provoked into arguments that have nothing to do with you etc.  So you slide that sense of anger like seasoning on your food into conversations and activities with yourself, your family, your partner, your lover, your friends and others.  You make sly remarks, you always have to be right, you always have to get the last word in, you get hot under the collar very easily, you like to control every situation, everyone and thing around you.  You behave like this in varying intensities throughout your life and you can end up loosing those you love and cared about you.

I think that anger can be a conscious and unconscious experience.  You feel it but you can’t put your finger on it at times.  There are angers with long histories that are like volcanoes, simmering away at your core until something triggers it and of you go.  What triggers it may have nothing to do with the person or thing, but it evokes the feeling from that same place in you.  You might have many volcanoes simmering at your core.  Cities, countries, towns and villages, institutions, businesses and homes can have angry atmospheres.   There are other angers that are justified; social injustice, terrorism, war etc.  There are all kinds of anger.  What is your anger about?

You walk past a table and you hit your thigh of the sharp corner.  You get angry and you kick the table for hitting you!!!  What a laugh when you think back on this incident.   You burn your hand on a hot pot and then you bang it on the ground in angry.  A cat comes into your garden and pees on your special plant.  Your mind goes into overdrive in what you could do to that cat in your anger.  Some people act on these thoughts.  Then there is the time that an adult blames you in the wrong when you are a child.  You get so frustrated by your anger that you antagonize your sibling.  They cry.  The same adult who blamed you in the wrong chastises you and/or slaps you and you are sent to your room.  Not fair you think to yourself.   Your sense of anger, injustice and frustration has no outlet.  There is emotional confusion in your mind and your body is going through many chemical sensations.  An hour passes and the anger energy decreases and something or somebody else distracts you.

Our experiences become our memories and our memories evoke feelings of emotions that inform the ‘now’ in our lives.

Imagine you are a baby.  We were all babies once upon a time!  Mum picks you up with absolute love and you feel so warm and cosy in her arms.  The phone rings and she picks it up.  The conversation starts out great and then the argument begins.  Her body tenses and you feel it all.  She gets angry and bangs down the phone.  You start to cry.  Mum is angry and it upsets you and the only way to express it is to cry.  She walks the floor with you on her shoulder as she taps your back to console you.  She walks faster and faster because she is still smoldering with anger.  You keep crying.  Nothing she does in this state stops you crying.  She tries to feed you.  She changes you.  She tries singing through her anger.  She rocks you but its not soothing rocking.  None of it works.  She has no alternative but to leave you down in your crib still crying.  You nod off with tiredness.  You are being introduced to emotions and you know the ones you like and don’t like it seems.  Later on when you are two years old another child takes your toy and you get angry.  Someone explains that sharing is a way to develop friendship.  “Look she will share with you too.”  You are having none of it.  “My toy, no one else gets to play with it,” you say to yourself.  “Mine”

You are six years old and you don’t do what you are told, mum is going to tell dad and you don’t want to upset him.  Dad screams at Mum or the other way around and they have a violent exchange.  You are under the table because you are afraid.  You are ten years old and another boy is bulling your friend in the school playground.  You do what you saw your mum or dad do at home to sort out a fight.  You get in there and beat off the bully.  Another child sees that and he thinks you are the bully, but you don’t think that is true.

You are fifteen years old and your best friend steals your girlfriend.  The only way to communicate your anger is to steal his bike and dump it in the river.  And never own up to doing it.  You are still heart-broken.  You are a student in college.  Someone criticizes your taste in clothes and the friends you hang out with.  You are seething with anger but don’t want to let yourself down publicly.  You leave and take out your anger on a bus shelter.  You rip it apart.  You have a job, two weeks in and you have a fight with the boss.  You get sacked.  When you are twenty eight you get married.  You have an argument with your wife and don’t know how to express your situation so you behave like your parents did.  Your wife leaves you.  You are angry and want revenge and you do the worst you can do and end up in jail.

We live in a world that never sleeps.  People are learning everyday.  Every human walking the earth has stories of how they were conceived, how they were reared and how they feel about themselves as adults.  Some have had loving homes with times of terror; some have had only terror with times of love.  Some have built plesant lives for themselves. Others have mediocre lives.  There is no panacea.  We are all works in progress, your grandparents, your parents, your tutors, your therapists, your doctors, your partner, your lover, your friends and your family.  Nobody gets it right whatever ‘right’ might means to each of us.  The most we can do is to become aware and strive to understand, observe our behaviours and patterns, and find appropriate assistance when we need it for mind, body and spirit.  Choose to become a more wholesome and loving human being.  I did not intentionally choose to tell the story from a male perspective on anger.  Both sex get angry.  Women go silent, they can be manipulative and cruel, and so can men.  Anger is anger.  It is an emotion we express.  Sometimes it is appropriate according to the people involved and sometimes it is not.   I think when anger gets out of control and hurts another in thought, word or action as a pattern in an individuals life, it is the saddest situation any human can find himself or herself in.

Personal anger that has been simmering all your life, and has gone unchecked, colours your relationships with; yourself, your partner, your lover, your friendships, your family and parenting.  When things don’t go your way, when you are stressed, when you are in an argument, when you get caught out in some word, deed or action, your anger is always at hand radiating an energy that can create fear for those around you.  It erodes the practice of self-love and the love of others.  It floors self-esteem and self-worth.

You can soak up anger like you can gather stones in your pocket.  You can choose to keep on carrying these stones or admit it is getting too heavy for you.  You can always find someone to blame but it changes nothing, you can wear the victim badge but it changes nothing either in the long run.  At the end of the day you are responsible for your actions as an adult.  Learning to communicate is a good start.  There are zillions of courses on anger management, however, understanding why you are angry and where it comes from in you, acknowledging it, accepting it’s where you are at, and then choosing to work on it is the practice of self-love.  You don’t have to carry stones in your pocket for life!  Check out all that is available on anger management online….it seems to be endless.  Join a group where you find individuals in similar situations, and get the support you need.  We are all works in progress chose to be that with awareness and see how it changes your sense of self.

Don’t forget to wear your Spring smile this weekend…….

“A man is about as big as the things that make him angry”.  Winston Churchill

“Anger will never disappear so long as thought of resentment are cherished in the mind.  Anger will disappear as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten”.  Buddha

“When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings.  then you will forget your anger”.  Epictetus

©Copyright The Possible Self 2012


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